She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
