Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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