he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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