Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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