Don't you send me to vm
why didn't you poke me back
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
