Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
