my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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