Michael Bay diarrhea
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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