Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We got so high we made milksteak
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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