Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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