I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
