smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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