y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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