every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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