if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
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