She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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