My room smells like vodka and shame
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
