eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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