I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
