she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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