rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize