He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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