I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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