It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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