There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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