I'm going to jail i love you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
