wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
