you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
