I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
