God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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