I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize