I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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