The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize