if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
