i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
