My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
