Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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