The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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