Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i was born a porn star she said
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
