just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
