Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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