Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
