This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
