I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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