I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
