You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
