i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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