god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
