We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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