Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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