Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
