Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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