Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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