why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize