I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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