Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
